Fierce Conversations

by Susan Scott (2002)

Notes compiled by Marti Benjamin, MBA, Professional Certified Coach

Susan Scott offers a new definition of 'fierce' for us to consider. Rather than the Webster's Dictionary definition, "Violently hostile or aggressive in temperament," Scott went to Roget's Thesaurus and found that the synonyms were: "robust, intense, strong, powerful, passionate, eager, unbridled, uncurbed, untamed." She says that, "We effect change by engaging in robust conversations with ourselves and others." (Page 7) Scott offers "The Seven Principles of Fierce Conversations" and suggests assignments to develop skills in each of these principles.

• "Principle 1: Master the courage to interrogate reality." (Page 13)
  Today's reality is not yesterday or tomorrow’s reality in the rapidly changing global environment in which we live today. We must ask questions and challenge assumptions. Working together toward a common business or personal goal is enhanced by fierce conversations where everyone questions what passes for reality. The reality for the VP of Marketing looks different than the reality for the Controller, the receptionist or the customer. Multiple realities exist simultaneously, no one more right than the others. It's critical to get at the ground truth—what those closest to the situation know—and get beyond the official truth which may reflect what we wish were happening. This is not about arguing for whose right and who's to blame, but rather about being open to a broader, more complex reality than the one we hold to be our truth.

• "Principle 2: Come out from behind yourself into the conversation and make it real." (Page 67)
  This principle begins with the choice to be authentic and the first step in choosing authenticity is getting to know oneself. The questions to start the self-acquaintance process are: What do I want? Where am I going? Who's going with me? How will I get there? Approach these questions with a healthy selfishness that recognizes that you "…have a right to clarify your position, state your views of reality, and ask for what you want." (Page 72) In fact, anything short of being fully present and authentic compromises the outcome of the conversation, resulting in greater confusion and frustration.
  
  
• "Principle 3: Be here, prepared to be nowhere else." (Page 91)
  Scott believes that, "The conversation is the relationship," and that with each conversation, fierce or not, we are building, destroying or flatlining our relationships. Set aside time, that most precious of resources, and pay attention to those people who are important. Begin the time together by asking, "What is the most important thing you and I should be talking about?" Then, listen with all of your might. This is an opportunity to interrogate reality; you'll know what's important to someone who is important to you in your business or personal relationships. Be prepared to learn and to tackle tough challenges. Be fully present, nowhere else.
  
  
• "Principle 4: Tackle your toughest challenge today. (Page 124)
  "Burnout happens, not because we're trying to solve problems but because we've been trying to solve the same problem over and over and over." (Page 124) In most organizations there are issues that are undiscussable, topics that carry too much risk for comfort. They may be realities that are being denied or mistakes that were made in the past from which there are still lessons to be gleaned if only we could talk about them. And yet, the very outcomes we are most concerned about are almost guaranteed to materialize if we don't talk about the issue. A fierce conversation about the undiscussable issue is one in which we are standing beside the other, addressing the issue together, not firing at them from across the room.
  
  
• "Principle 5: Obey your instincts." (Page 165)
  "Our radar works perfectly. It is the operator who is in question." (Page 166) This principle is about the knowing that we all experience and can't explain with data and research. Remember Winnie the Pooh and Piglet as they walked in circles with their heads down, looking at the ground? Pooh notices the tracks on the ground and assures Piglet that they are not alone on the path, and the more they walk, the more tracks they notice—unfortunately, all the tracks belong to them but they're not able to see that they are going in circles because they're focused on the data, in this case the tracks they see, and they don't bother to look up. Does that ever happen in your company? Instinct can offer new insight to old problems. The key to using instincts effectively is to know that even our strongest instincts are not the same as truth—there is still room for other truths to exist at the same time.
  
  
• "Principle 6: Take responsibility for your emotional wake." (Page 187)
  Everything we say leaves an emotional wake behind us, as real as the wake we see behind a boat on a smooth lake. For a leader, this principle has huge implications for how he or she is known in the organization because there are no trivial comments when they come from the leader. Learn to deliver the message without blaming, name calling, using sarcasm, threatening, intimidating, bringing up old baggage or being unresponsive. This principle is about expressing not only clear guidance and boundaries, it's also about expressing gratitude and appreciation for others.
  
  
• "Principle 7: Let silence do the heavy lifting." (Page 218)
  Talking is not the same thing as conversation. A conversation, particularly a fierce conversation, includes silence for reflection and listening to instincts as well as letting ideas sink in and insight develop. As in touching music where the rest between the notes is savored, so are the silences in conversation; "The magic is in the phrasing. That's where silence comes in. When we are completely engaged in talking, all of the possibilities for the conversation grow smaller." (Page 229)
  
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  ©2008, Marti Benjamin